doing hard things
I remember when I had my first baby, thinking it was by far the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Law school, the bar exam, my grueling first law firm job with the worst boss in the history of bosses- none of it felt as draining and hard to me as having a baby that never slept, screamed constantly and refused to take a bottle. And just six months after she was born, I found out I was having another one- a total surprise to say the least. I felt like that stage of my life would last forever, and older moms were constantly reassuring me, “It gets easier!! You’re in such a hard stage!” And you know what, they were right. It was a hard stage. And in a lot of ways, it has gotten easier over the years of raising kids. The baby years for my third kid flew by so fast, I don’t even remember if he slept well or not! In fact, earlier this year, right when my youngest turned 4, I told Erik how much l loved this stage of life with our kids. No more diapers, no naps to schedule around, kids mostly behave when we eat out, and they all still adore us and want to be around us.
No sooner than the words were out of my mouth, life decided to show us how crazy this stage could also be. Erik’s work travel picked up with his new company and hasn’t slowed down since. At the same time, my kids all decided they wanted to try every sport ever invented and the practices conveniently occur every night of the week. Throw in some required reading and extra math practice for one kid, another who refuses to go to sleep at night without me sitting in their room, and one who struggles with anxiety…it still feels freaking hard sometimes! Maybe not as sleep-deprived and physically demanding as those baby years, but hard in different ways. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about these various stages of life and parenting - and how each stage brings its own set of both easier and hard- and some ways I've figured out how to thrive (or at least, survive) in the past. I am using these as a reminder to myself today and hopefully they will encourage you too if you find yourself in a hard stage, doing hard things.
You can do hard things…but not alone.
As someone who likes to be in control and prides myself in how much I can accomplish, it’s humbling to have to ask for help. But in every hard season, that’s exactly what I’ve had to do. When I had two under two, I had to ask friends to come to my (messy) house to hang out with me or grab me some milk at the store because a child was always napping and I couldn’t easily leave. I had to hire a nanny when I was working a lot to help take care of my kids and keep the house under control. I've had to ask other moms to take and pick up my kids from sports practices and games more times than I can count. It truly takes a village, especially in busy seasons of life, and I couldn’t have survived without swallowing my pride and admitting I just cannot do it all by myself.
You can do hard things…but not all the things.
When Erik had to start traveling more, he very kindly asked me if I would be willing to scale back with work so that one of us could be more available for the kids. This was a tough ask, because hellooo, its the 21st century!! Hasn’t he seen the Barbie movie?! It has been hard to put my career on pause in this season, and to be honest I still feel resentment at times that it was me who had to bend. But Erik could see the stress I was feeling of doing all the work things and still bearing the weight of most of the weeknight duties while he was gone (not to mention the mental load that all mothers carry- iykyk), and this was ultimately the decision that made the most sense for our family. I also know this is just a season of our lives and I have been blessed to have a job where I can ebb and flow in workload when needed. Our situation happens to have more flexibility on my end than Erik’s, but I have friends who have big jobs that have had to shift some of their “mom duties” to dad or grandparents and they are making it work beautifully for their family. My point is, it is impossible to do all the things in a hard season. Some seasons will allow for more or less social opportunities (the kids games are now THE social event of the week for us), some might allow for more or less involvement in the school things, or time and energy spent reaching a big career goal. None of it is more important or meaningful than the other, but it is important to remember it probably can’t all happen at once, at least not with your sanity in tact, and that’s okay.
You can do hard things…but you need to take care of yourself.
This one is pretty straightforward. I’ve found in my most stressful seasons of life, when I feel completely run down and emotional, the thing I need most is usually some sleep. Even a 30 minute nap will do your body- and mind- a lot of good! I specifically remember a time when Annie was a baby (who remember, screamed nonstop and never slept), an older friend of mine came over, put screaming Annie in her stroller and instructed me to go take a nap while they went for a long walk. Annie of course never fell asleep on that stroll, and my sweet friend Deb sweated buckets while they walked for over an hour, but I did what she said and I woke up with a new lease on life…or at least like I wasn’t going to drown in despair. That moment has stuck with me for years. We need helpful friends, and we need sleep! I also know now how beneficial exercise can be to your mental state in these hard stages. I am not in a season where I can give hours to working out (again, I cant do it all! The killer bod will have to wait), but often a little post-school drop off or pre-bedtime walk can make a world of difference in your mood and your resolve to handle all the things. Bonus points if you can call your mom on said walk because moms make everything better.
You can do hard things…with God’s help.
I saved this one for last because it is the most important. I have lived many years by the following verses:
“I would have dispaired had I not believed I would see the goodness of God in the land of the living.” -psalm 27:13
“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
God is bigger than any hard thing you will ever face. His son has suffered more immensely than you ever will, and He is able to empathize to a degree no human can. He also gives us His word and sends people to encourage us and help us keep going when life feels hard. You weren’t meant to carry it all, control it all, even feel it all without His help. It has been in the hardest times of my life when I have felt God the most. I’ve felt His provision and His supernatural strength on days I didn’t know how I could possibly keep going. I’ve felt his love through friends that have stepped in and become like family to my children. I’ve felt his goodness when He reminds me of all the blessings that daily surround me, like the ability to take a breath, move my body, call a friend, eat my favorite candy, hug my children and tuck them into a warm bed, even on the hard days. Sometimes it just takes a little more effort to see it, and that’s okay. I think it helps to know you aren’t alone in feeling like life is hard sometimes, and hopefully it’s also helpful to know a few ways to make it just a tiny bit easier. xoxo.